Have you ever?

Have you ever had to analyse your emotions ten times over, just to make sure you’re not behaving or feeling emotional for an irrational reason? Have you ever had to question your own mind-set, because everyone around you doesn’t seem to grasp your way of thinking? Have you ever felt crazy because you just can’t understand whether what you feel is reasonable or not? Well I have, and it drives me insane. Why must I feel as though I am the one who has blown everything out of proportion, the one who took everything “too far”, the one who just always seems to destroy the mood with her reactions? I tell you it could make any sane human being feel crazy. Just because people fail to understand the way I process things why must that make me the odd one? I remember years ago when I studied psychology, I was learning about conforming. One thing that stuck in my mind was how incredible it was to see how people would conform to the majority group, just because the numbers were high. Even if the question was as simple as what is 2 + 2. We all know the answer is 4, but if the majority claims the answer is 5, we begin to doubt our own judgment. That is exactly how I feel write now. As I sit here, pen in my hand, scribbling subconsciously on the plain piece of paper before me, I wonder whether because people cannot understand me, I can no longer understand myself. Hence why I have to analyse everything I do ten times or even more.

It’s beyond frustrating when you find yourself in this cycle. Where you feel a way one minute, but instantly question it the next because maybe the majority is right about me. Maybe I am a little irrational. Maybe my thought process is abnormal. Or am I now conforming to the majority? Who says the minority isn’t right? Why can’t the way I think and feel be right and everyone else be wrong? It makes me chuckle slightly as I sit scratching my head, thinking about whether I’m sane or not. A mother of two, is up alone in her study room in the early hours of the morning questioning whether she is sane or not, is a headline that I can’t help but chuckle to. I should have my shit together by now. Almost thirty-five, two children and a husband and yet here I am, wondering whether I’m losing it or maybe it’s everyone else who’s losing it. What irks me is that there is no one I can discuss this with, oh well I could go to my counsellor (whom no one knows I visit) and explain it to her. But, then I might just feel even crazier that I’ve had to go counselling in order to reassure myself that I’m not crazy. Ha, the irony. There’s no freedom, there’s no escape. I’m constantly in limbo with my emotions, constantly going from zero to a thousand, because I’m not sure whether I have a right to feel the way I do or not. And it’s a tough battle. It brings a lot of dark nights, silent cries and fake smiles, because everything just doesn’t seem to add up in your mind. And having two children and being a role model for them, gives me no room to even have time to fail. So I hold everything in, make sure only me, myself and I, see this confused version of me. I make sure all the tears have run its course before I see my children, I make sure the internal battle that I face everyday, is kept at bay when I kiss my husband good morning. I make sure the crazy has gone into hiding when I see my family, because it’s bad enough that people look at you like your crazy, but when you looking at yourself and seeing a crazy person stare back at you – everything goes downhill from there.

 

© All Rights Reserved by Sarah E. Balogun

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Elliot & I [Part 1]

I think I loved him. No – I knew I loved him. The way he gazed at me like I was worth more than any soul to have walked this earth. The way he caressed my body when we were alone, and the way he stole precious touches when we weren’t alone was what had my heart racing. There was something about him that kept drawing me closer to him. Even though he was a flame that was sure to burn me, I couldn’t help but keep walking towards the light, almost like a moth that couldn’t pull itself from the bright light that teased it. The closer I moved towards him, I knew my life would spin out of control. But I was sure once I got to him, he’d centre me.

Even now as I stare at him from across the ceremonial dinner hall, I can see the small smile that crept onto his lips as he feels my gaze glide across his body. I didn’t even want to be here. These events were not to my interest, not like I was against charity events or events that gave recognition to people who had made such an impact within the community. But tonight was not the night I wanted to be out. Smiling at people I didn’t like. Sitting amongst strangers who my parents forced down my throat and engaging in conversation that bored me more than enticed me. They discussed subjects such as politics and plans for the community, as I sat amongst a number of community leaders. But none of what they had discussed reached my heart, let alone my ears.

After graduating I knew that joining a career that allowed me to explore my creativity was where I needed to be. But once my parents had caught wind of this idea, there had been an agonising two-hour argument about my life, which I obviously had no control of.

“Alexandra Bennett, you will not talk back to your mother. We have decided you will join a political program that offers you many opportunities and that is final!”

My dad shouted over my complaints. And even as tears pricked the sides of my eyes, he ignored them and shoved clothes in my face, reminding me the limo would be picking us up in 20minutes. It broke my heart that my parents knew so little about me, and still wanted to pull me away from things that I enjoyed. But the one thing they couldn’t pull me from, was him. They tried on many occasions to stop us from seeing each other. But, there is only so much a parent can do.

My mother followed my gaze and audibly sighed, nudging me slightly to wake me out of my trance.

“Harold, I didn’t know he would be here.” My father followed her gazed and caught Elliot’s eyes. Elliot ignored his stare and kept his eyes on me, whilst I bit my lip, nerves and excitement playing in my stomach.

“Neither did I. If I had known that was the case, I would have told Alexandra to stay at home.”

My father coughed pulling me out of Elliot’s trance again, causing me to stare at my parents, who were more than angry that I was entertaining this little staring battle I had with Elliot. My mother shifted in her seat as my father leaned closer to me.

“Alexandra, we will not have anymore of this behaviour tonight. You will behave and if I catch you looking over in that direction, you will have me to answer to.”

Father rarely threatened me, until Elliot came into my life. I wasn’t sure what they hated about Elliot most. Whether the fact that he didn’t fear them as powerful beings or the fact that he was white. Either way, my parents had never admitted to what it was that brought so much distaste to their mouths at the mention of Elliot, but I knew it was to do with whom he was. My parents weren’t racists, or so I would like to think. They were people who cared more about image than they did of their own child’s happiness. And if communal leader and powerful businessman, Harold Bennett, let his only daughter fall in love with a white boy, it would be a shame to him and his parental skills. I’m sure it was this that had pushed my parents into keeping me away from Elliot. But they couldn’t stop the strong pull we shared, no matter how many times they tried to lock me away from him.

“Did you hear your father Alexandra?” My mother whispered in a sharp tone. I nodded my head slightly, looking at the table not trusting my eyes to not wonder towards Elliot’s direction. I heard my father whisper a ‘good’ and resumed his chatter with other businessmen he planned to make future plans with.

I hadn’t analysed a table as much as I did tonight. I told myself not to look up, as I knew Elliot would still be looking at me. But as time passed it grew harder to fight the urge to stare at him, knowing what my heart wanted but couldn’t have. My father had excused himself as he and a few other men wanted to continue business discussion away from the ladies. My mother smiled and took a sip of her wine, sliding into conversation with the other wives who had nothing better to do with their lives other than be false with each other. I lifted my head and not to my surprise Elliot was watching me. He wore a pained look, knowing something was wrong, but I gave him a small smile, an attempt to reassure him things weren’t as bad as they may have looked. He smiled back and gave me a quick wink, making me feel like a little schoolgirl who was sneaking around with her boyfriend.

“Alexandra?”

“Yes!” My head spun quickly in her direction.

“Did you hear Mrs Monroe?”

“No sorry, I was lost in thought.” My mother eyed me, before ignoring her suspicion and repeated what Mrs Monroe had told her.

“Mrs Monroe just let me know her son is single. He just recently graduated too, from what course again?”

“Law, he’s a smart boy my Kevin is. You both should meet up, I hear you’re single too?”

I couldn’t mask the horror that crept on my face as I watched my mother smile in delight. So she not only wanted to control my life, but now she was playing cupid with it too? I sat numb for a few seconds, before anger bubbled in my chest. Was not taking my life enough? What more did my family want that would make them happy enough to leave me be? It was bad enough I studied a course in university that I loathed, but I thought after I graduated the hassle would ease. But they hadn’t bargained on me meeting Elliot and instead everything got worse. I pushed my chair out, trying to keep my anger at bay, before excusing myself from the table.

“Where are you going?” My mother questioned.

“Toilet mother, unless you wish to escort me there?”

She kept quiet and with that, I took my leave desperate for air and space. They were crowding me so much I thought I was going to suffocate in their presence. I made my way to a deserted balcony, that wasn’t too far from the dinner party and took a deep breath. The air burned my lungs as I inhaled. I clutched the edge of the balcony and let the cold air brush pass the little skin that I showed in my expensive designer dress. It did little to show the beauty of my figure, and the only revealing part of my dress was the fact that it was sleeveless and had a slit running up my right leg. My parents had decided what dress I wore tonight. Making sure the family image was up to everyone’s expectations. Taking another deep breath, I sighed wondering how different my life would be if I weren’t born under the known and respected leader, Harold Bennett.

A hint of cologne teased my nose, and I knew instantly who had joined my microcosm. My body instantly relaxed as his arms embraced me softly. In sync, my body melted into his, whilst my heart thundered in my chest. I hadn’t been able to touch him in so long since my parents had done everything they could to keep us apart. Now with his hands possessively holding my hips and my back against his chest, my stomach rolled in excitement. He bent down slightly, coming close to my ears so only I could hear him as he graced me with light kisses.

“I’ve missed you Alex.” He nibbled on my earlobe, making me sigh in pleasure, as his hands held me more firmly.

“I’ve missed you too Elliot.” He chuckled and shook his head, slightly grinding his hips into me, so that I could understand how much he had truly missed me. My breath found itself caught in my throat as I felt the hardened flesh poke me softly in my back. He fully wrapped his arms around me, like a snake claiming his meal. With his hips grinding into me a little harder than the previous time.

“They’ve been keeping you from me, haven’t they?” It almost came out as a growl as he kissed my neck. I tilted my head towards the right, giving him more access to the flesh that blazed by his touch. His hands caressed my body. His left hand slowly moved towards my breasts, whilst his right hand moved towards the core that screamed his name. My breathing increased, with my heart thudding in my chest. I knew what the repercussions were if we were caught, but I couldn’t seem to find the voice of reason. Instead, I pushed myself more into his erection, hoping my need and desire was being known. He chuckled and stilled his hands. I surprised myself when a groan of frustration escaped my lips. He turned me to face him and turned around, checking if we were still alone. When he was clear we wouldn’t be interrupted, he pulled me towards the shadowed area of the balcony, with a look of ecstasy in his eyes.

Once we had reached the furthest wall, far from the windows that led us to the balcony, he pulled my body towards his. Making my body crash into his in an instant. I looked up at him as he ran his hands through my hair, still with desire laced in his eyes. He brought his lips to mine, allowing the need and hunger we had for each other to take control. The kiss had begun with passion, but once we had received a taste of each other, the kiss had turned dark. Almost as though the time we stood kissing, would never amount to the time we were apart. Pulling away slightly for air, he crushed our lips together again for another passionate kiss. My hands roamed his body, not fulfilling my desire. Nothing was going to be enough. He was my drug and the only way I’d keep going is if I had him. And with my parents depriving me of his love, I knew I had to get as much of him as I could. He pulled away again, giving me air to breath. My chest rose and fell in quick breaths, as I felt drunk with his passion.

“They’re hiding you from me Alex.” He held my body again, this time in fear of losing me. I returned the embrace with the same fear eating away in my mind.

“I love you Elliot.” His body stiffened and then he pulled away to look me in the face. After staring in my eyes for what felt like eternity, a cocky smile played on his lips as he traced my figure with his finger.

“You love me huh?” I nodded, nervous of his reaction. I hadn’t told him I loved him before, but I knew in my heart what I felt. And after what my parents had made him endure, I felt he deserved to know.

“Love… Oh my Alex, if only I could show you how much I loved you. All night I would show you why I loved you. Why I loved your lips,” his fingers lightly touched my plump lips “your beautiful body,” his hands caressed my frame, making me shudder uncontrollably as his touch sent vibrations straight through me to my core. “and then I’d roam the whole of you. Joining us as one. That’s how I want to show my love to you Alex.”

His hands moved closer to the core that ached for some attention. He stroked the thigh that was revealed due to the slit in the dress and crept his hands higher to the lace thongs I wore. A groan escaped his lips as he felt how fragile the material was. In an instant reaction, I ran my hands through his hair, enjoying the dark look that veiled his eyes as his hands crept closer to the damp area of the lace material. As his hands slowly made its way between my thighs, my core clenched, knowing soon the tension that ran through my body would soon be released by the touch of my lover. His touch left small flames of desire in its wake, making me ache with pleasure.

“God Alex I could take you here right now…” I pulled him down for another deep kiss when I heard a small shriek coming from the entrance of the balcony. Our heads whipped to the sound, when I noticed my mother holding her mouth with one hand, whilst the other clutched onto her chest. I jumped away from Elliot, not aware of what to say or what to do. Elliot stood still in obvious shock with his shirt creased from my touch and his hands in the position of where they were when our bodies were united. My mother looked between the two of us, unable to grasp anything to say, whilst my whole body trembled in fear. If my father knew, I was sure to be sent away, or receive a punishment that would ensure I never sure Elliot again. All three of us stood frozen in our places. My dress still hiked up past the respectable length where Elliot had touched me. My mouth opened to speak, yet when I tried to conjure up something, nothing came out. I took a step closer to mother, but that only made her retreat away from me. I took a deep breath and spoke.

“Mother–“

“No! Don’t you dare say a word Alexandra Bennett!” Her words silenced my pleas, whilst she turned her attention to Elliot. “And you! Don’t you dare come near my daughter again!”

“But I love her.”

I looked at Elliot, my heart squeezing at his confession and love that he has for me. Knowing that by confessing his love would do nothing but anger my mother, I couldn’t help but feel proud that Elliot had the confidence to still proclaim his love after being casted away. His words made her stumble backwards. Shocked to hear his confession, but then she stood upright, remembering who she was and grabbed my hand with so much force I almost fell.

“You will stay away from my daughter.” She turned on her heel, trying to walk back to the hall. But I needed to speak with Elliot, needed to say something, to explain what was going on and how I could make things better. Yet, the grip she had on my wrist was far stronger than I would have guessed. Pulling me towards the hall, I tried to resist, knowing Elliot would be left in the dark if I didn’t do something to save our relationship.

“Mother, please!”

“Alexandra!”

“But Elliot­–“ She span round, standing right in my face as her face twisted in anger.

“You ever say that name again and I promise you Alexandra Bennett, you will never step a foot outside of your room let alone the house.”

With that she continued to drag me back to the hall. I turned around, tears now falling from my eyes as Elliot turned into a mere shadowed figure standing alone at the balcony. I wanted to scream for help, wanted him to rush over and rescue me from the clutches of my family. But, we both knew anything else he would have done would only cause more trouble. I loved Elliot and he loved me, but there was nothing we could do about it. And I thought my family couldn’t take me away from Elliot, who was I kidding.

© All Rights Reserved by Sarah E. Balogun

Three Sisters

Scene 1:

Stage lights turn on. The stage is set in a woman’s bedroom. In the middle of the stage a man lays dead on the floor, three women are on the stage. One is standing near the body, close to a chair near a mirror. The other is sitting on the bed in shock whilst the last is kneeling down close to the woman on the bed.

 

ANNA:             Is he dead?

(DELILAH nods)

DARCY:            Are you sure?

(ANNA bends over and checks for a pulse, then jumps up when she realises he’s dead)

ANNA:             He’s dead Darcy. What the hell went on here Delilah? He’s dead!

DELILAH:         I-I-I know that Anna.

ANNA:             Was it murder, self-defence or naturally?

(DELILAH remains silent)

ANNA:             Did you kill him on purpose?

(Silence)

ANNA:             Jesus, he’s dead. I can’t believe you killed your husband!

DARCY:            Stop panicking Anna.

ANNA:             What! There is a dead person lying on our sister’s bedroom floor! And that person is her husband.

DARCY:            I know that Anna! I know, but that isn’t helping. So stop panicking.

(DARCY looks at DELILAH’s hands, covered in blood)

DARCY:            You need to wash your hands Delilah, get his blood off your hands.

(DELILAH gets up to exit on the right side of the stage, before leaving she looks at her sisters, then exits stage)

DARCY:            This is a mess.

ANNA:             (Whispering) Mess? Darcy, this is more than a mess, this is murder. She murdered him Darcy, our baby sister killed her husband, how the hell do we sort this out? And what about the police?

DARCY:            (Whispering) Don’t you think I know this is way out of our hands. I know she killed her husband, and I know we need to call the police, but we need to know why she did it. So instead of asking questions that I can’t answer, just help me try to solve this.

(DELILAH returns on the stage with a hand towel. She places the towel on the bed and looks at her husband dead on the floor, her eyes water)

DELILAH:         What have I done? What have I done Darcy? I’m going to jail. No one will believe my story (cries).

DARCY:            (Comforting DELILAH) It’s okay, stop crying, I know it looks bad now, but it’ll get better, trust me.

DELILAH:         How Darcy? He’s dead, I killed him, and no one will understand why.

DARCY:            They will.

(DELILAH nods then stops crying)

ANNA:             So, how are we going to fix this?

DARCY:            Right now, I’m not too sure, but we will.

ANNA:             We don’t have all the time in the world Darcy, he’s dead and if we want our sister to get away with this, we need to get rid of the body.

DARCY:            (Looking at ANNA) Well do you have an idea? Or are you just going to keep reminding me that he’s dead, because I can see that.

ANNA:             Let me just remind you all that the more time we waste trying to be calm, is the longer we have a dead body in the bedroom. If we don’t do something soon, people will wonder where the famous Paul Willingham has gotten to. And then when he doesn’t answer anyone’s phone calls, they’ll turn to Delilah.

            (DELILAH starts crying again)

DARCY:            See what you’ve done!

ANNA:             What! I’m just saying the truth and you know it Darcy! You know people will wonder where he disappeared to, and who do you think they’ll turn to next? His fucking wife, that’s who.

(DARCY walks up to ANNA and stands directly in front of her, making DARCY move backwards, up against the chair in front of the mirror)

DARCY:            You are not helping Anna! Don’t you think I’ve considered that, I know people will question his disappearance, but you saying it does not solve anything! Are you here to help or just to state the obvious?

(ANNA slowly sits on the chair, looking down)

ANNA:             I-I came to help.

DARCY:            Well then start doing it!

DELILAH:         It’s true though isn’t it Darcy? (Both ladies look at DELILAH) What Anna is saying is true.

DARCY:            No –

DELILAH:         You don’t need to lie to me; I’m not your baby sister anymore!

DARCY:            Look at what you’ve done Anna.

ANNA:             I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be harsh Delilah. I just wanted you to understand that this situation is beyond Darcy and I. And I’m scared Delilah, he’s dead and I’m scared, I’m terrified for you, you’re my baby sister and your husband is dead. But, I will never leave you because your problem is mine too. I’ll be there every step, even with the police.

DARCY:            Not the authorities –

DELILAH:         I should have called the police!

DARCY:            No.

DELILAH:         I should have!

DARCY:            No Delilah.

DELILAH:         I’ve made everything worse for myself.

DARCY:            Delilah stop!

(Everyone looks at DARCY, who is pacing around the room.)

DARCY:            Maybe not calling the police isn’t such a bad thing, they may have gotten your story wrong and where would that have gotten you? Locked up and thrown in jail. So please, can we not talk about the police? We can consider them later on, but right now we need to actually hear what went on before reporting to them. Okay?

(ANNA nods along with DELILAH)

DARCY:            Delilah, I need you to recall what happened here before you called Anna and I to come and help you. And make sure you don’t miss out anything, okay?

(DELILAH nods)

DELILAH:         I came home late, even though I knew that would have made him angry. But I had work to complete, if I didn’t get it finished I would have been on my third strike and I couldn’t afford to lose my job. So I stayed, but not for long. (Pause.) Then once I had gotten home he was quiet, really quiet. I thought maybe if I cooked some dinner he would be fine. But he ate it and then went to bed. Still silent. (Pause.) I knew he was angry and I was scared, he wasn’t speaking to me, and I knew how that always ended. Once I was ready to go to bed, he was already waiting for me. Sitting on the bed, just anticipating my arrival. I changed and tried to climb into bed and then he spoke. He shouted at me, (her voice begins trembling) I tried to apologise, I really did, I said sorry. I told him what would have happened if I didn’t stay, but he didn’t listen. Instead he got angrier that I was responding. Then he got up, and slapped me, hard (touches her cheek). I screamed and then he started beating me, non-stop. He was furious; he started strangling me (chokes back a cry). I was going to die Darcy, I didn’t know what to do. Then he pushed me onto the dresser and watched me change colour, from white to blue. I knew I was going to die, at the hands of my own husband (begins crying). I loved him. But he just wouldn’t stop hitting me, his grip got firmer around my neck, so I did what anyone would do, I grabbed the closest thing and hit him on the head with it. I wasn’t going to let him kill me, so I kept hitting him. Even though I couldn’t breathe, I still hit him, he fell in the middle of the room, and I just didn’t stop. If I did he would have killed me Darcy, he would have (starts crying).

             (The room falls silent after DELILAH has finished speaking, ANNA is visibly crying, whilst DARCY is standing watching the man on the floor)

ANNA:             Why didn’t you tell us he was hitting you Delilah?

DELILAH:         He said he would do worse if I told anyone.

ANNA:             We’re your sisters, we would have helped you, I can’t believe you went through all of that alone. (Grasps) I’m so sorry Delilah… how many times has he done this to you?

DELILAH:         I don’t know.

ANNA:             Last Christmas you had a black eye?

DELILAH:         It was him.

(ANNA’s cries become audible whilst DELILAH silently cries)

ANNA:             Oh Delilah, I’m so sorry.

(ANNA goes to DELILAH and embraces her lovingly)

DARCY:            (Monotone) I’m proud you killed him.

(Both ANNA and DELILAH look at DARCY)

DARCY:            And anyone who believes that you did this intentionally without any reason is a fool.

ANNA:             Are there bruises.

(DELILAH nods)

DELILAH:         I know I should have told you all. I was just scared he was going to hurt you. Plus, mum was going through that heart problem; I didn’t want to add my stress on top of the family stress. I thought he’d stop; I thought our love was stronger than this, but things changed.

ANNA:             Darcy, what are we going to do? He hurt our sister, we should report him to the police, her bruises will be enough evidence right?

DELILAH:         I don’t want everyone to know. I don’t want my name in the media.

DARCY:            We will figure that out when it comes.

(Gets her phone out)

DELILAH:         What are you doing?

DARCY:            Calling the police, now I know what happened. You were just defending yourself. I’ll get the police here, so they can hear what happened to and take this scumbag out of here. Everything will be fine Delilah, I promise.

(DARCY kisses DELILAH’s head then leaves the stage)

DELILAH:         Not the police Anna, I’m scared.

ANNA:             Don’t be, you heard Darcy, she’s going to sort this entire mess out.

DELILAH:         She can’t though.

ANNA:             It’s okay Delilah, he can’t hurt you anymore, the police will take care of everything.

DELILAH:         They can’t, they can’t…I’ll go to prison.

ANNA:             (Hugging her) It’s okay, shush, everything will be fine.

DELILAH:         It won’t, because…because…this is my fault.

ANNA:             (Looking at DELILAH) It’s not Delilah.

DELILAH:         (Crying) I hit him first Anna. He was sleeping when I got to bed. And then when I tried to get in, he pushed me out, said he was angry with me and that I should sleep on the couch. I said sorry, but he ignored me. So I tried to get in the bed again. He pushed me out. So I started hitting him, we got into a fight, but he was trying to stop me, not attack me. He pushed me, so I shouted at him, he slapped me, and before I knew it, I grabbed the closest thing and hit him over the head. He never got back up. Anna, I killed my husband…

ANNA:             Oh my God. (Letting go of DELILAH) Why did you lie to us?

DELILAH:         Because I knew what would happen to me, Anna please don’t let Darcy know.

ANNA:             Has he ever hit you?

DELILAH:         Yes, but this time it was my fault. Anna, if I didn’t aggravate him, he wouldn’t have pushed me. I caused this argument.

ANNA:             Jesus Delilah, what have you done?

DELILAH:         Darcy can’t find out…

ANNA:             Why?

(DARCY enters)

DARCY:            The police will be here soon, don’t worry Delilah, this nightmare is over (coming to hug DELILAH).

(Whilst DARCY hugs DELILAH, DELILAH looks at ANNA, with tears in her eyes)

– End Scene. Curtains Close.

© All Rights Reserved by Sarah E. Balogun