Rachel – Part 3(a)

A gentle touch on my shoulder pulled me out of the sleep I’d managed to fall into. In a daze, I looked at my surroundings, confused with where I was and why I was with Damion, until the last few hours came rushing back to me. Remembering the images of Craig and my sister make intimate love was enough to wake me up completely. I sat up fully, looking passed Damion to see what I could only imagine was a mansion which stood firmly behind him. I looked back to Damion who was sat still watching me.
“I thought you was taking me to a hotel?”
“I was,” he said calmly, “But then you fell asleep and I did not want to wake you up to get you checked in to a hotel, so I bought you to my home.”
Instantly I coiled into myself, was he assuming I was going to sleep with him in exchange for a place to stay? I was about to voice my opinion when Damion raised his hand.
“It’s not like that Rachel, I have a guest room – where I would want you to sleep.
  I did not want you to be woken up early to check out of the hotel and also, I did not want to leave you alone tonight. I will give you all the space you require, but I have a perfectly good room here and it would be stupid to pay for a hotel room.”
With that, he got out of the car and held the door open for me, waiting for me to follow him. Reluctantly I exited the car. He shut the door and walked towards his house door, feeling his suit jacket for his keys. Once he located them, he opened the door giving me a full view of the grand stairs which were adjacent to the door. The stairs lead to a fork split, taking residents to hidden mysteries on the left or the right. I slowly walked in, admiring the chandelier that hung sophisticatedly in the middle of the foyer. I stood silently, feeling foreign in such a place like this. The golden aura created by the decretive jewels that hung loosely on the chandelier made me feel as though in here, anything was possible – it was almost like a fairy-tale. Damion stood beside me pulling me out of my trance.
“Want me to show you to the guest room?” I nodded with no words as Damion led the way. My heels echoed across the marble floor, causing the sound to ricochet across the walls and sing loudly around the house. We took a left when we came to the split in the stairs, which led us to a hall of closed doors. The corridor was dimly lit from the nightlight that shone through the windows, but that did not make the hall eerie, in fact it made it solemn. Behind each door lay a secret I wasn’t aware of, it gave me something to busy my mind with as my own issues were forcefully reappearing in my mind constantly. Images of myself proudly clinging onto Craig’s arm as he greeted his co-workers and potential prospects, made me feel foolish. I pushed those memories to the back of my mind and brought myself back to Damion’s home.
“The house where the party is, is that not yours?”
Damion looked back at me, a little surprised I spoke but hadn’t missed a stride in his step.
“My father left it for me and Chase but we decided that using it for business and meetings was better than us fighting over who should own it.”
“So, you decided on using your father’s house as a business location?”
“Well, even my father would hardly call that place a home. The number of events and meetings he hosted there barely made that place a home.”
“Makes sense.” He walked me to a door and opened it. Revealing a small room, with a double bed up against the wall. The room was completely dark, apart from the little light the thin curtains allowed through. Damion, turned on the light and gestured for me to enter.
“Behind that door to you right, is the bathroom. If you need any help, my room is the last door at the end of this corridor. Just call me and I’ll be happy to help.”
I walked over to the bed, feeling like an intruder in this unknown room. I turned to look at Damion and realised that he didn’t have to do what he done for me tonight. He could have let me run home crying, he could have even dropped me off to a hotel and left me for the night. Instead, he took me in when I was down and comforted me when I felt as though I had no one. I knew I owed him more than a simple thank you, but that was all I could offer him.
“Damion, I just want to thank-”
“Rachel,” He cut me off. “You don’t have to. Get some rest and I’ll see you in the morning.”
With that he closed the door and made his way to his room, his footsteps growing quieter as he moved further away from me. I looked around the room once more, admiring the simplicity of the interior design and the way in which the house in general was built and designed. I kicked off my heels, placed my clutch bag on a nearby drawer and crawled into bed, remembering once again that night why I found myself sleeping in Damion’s guest bedroom. I hadn’t thought to look at my phone since it had stopped vibrating in the car. I reached for my bag, opening the mouth of the bag and grabbed my phone, before returning the bag back onto the drawer. I pressed the home button and saw a number of missed calls and texts from both Craig and Camila. At one point, I found myself hovering over the reply button to one of Craig’s text messages, but in that same minute, I locked my phone and placed it beside my bag. There was nothing I had to say to either Craig or Camila tonight or for a very long time and if I could hide here in Damion’s guest room for tonight, then I was going to happily do so.
It didn’t take too long for me to fall asleep, allowing all my thoughts and worry to drown in a blissful abyss as I lost consciousness and allowed myself to be taken by the exhaustion that crept over me. Craig and Camila would be the issue of tomorrow, for now I slept.

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Rachel – Part 2

 For ages I sat in silence, remembering Craig and Camila being intimate with each other. Watching Craig throw away the nine hard years we built together, watching the marriage I thought was too strong to break, shatter to a million pieces with each stroke he penetrated into my sister. A tear escaped my left eye as I tried to erase the images that were now tattooed into my brain. How was I meant to move on from this? We all sit down every once in a while, with our friends and throw scenarios out, ‘what would you do if…’ – never do we think it would actually happen. Here I sit, dumbfounded in Damion’s car wondering what my next steps were. It wasn’t as though I had a full-time job, or I had any hobby of my own ­– maybe that’s what drew Craig to Camila. A woman with a purpose, whereas he married a woman who was a burden. A cry flew passed my lips as I thought of how better my sister was in comparison to myself. I held my mouth trying to contain my sorrow, but realised my sobs were stronger than my grip. Suddenly I felt Damion’s hand gently tug at my hand that was poorly sealing the sorrow that I failed to conceal. Once he had removed my hand, he pulled me over to him. Almost instantly did I find myself hunched in his chest crying harder than previously.
How could my whole life come shattering down around me in a matter of seconds, when it took more than double that to build? Through my sobs I felt my phone vibrate in my clutch bag. Without even reaching for my phone I knew who the caller was. Craig had only now finished making love with sister and had begun wondering where I had gotten to… I had gone through a state of shock and sadness and during that period Craig was still uniting with Camila. The phone began to vibrate violently as I failed to respond to it the first time. I wiped my tears from my cheeks, and looked at Damion’s chest which was yet again drenched with my tears. I reached for my phone when Damion held my hands.

“It’s probably Craig. Maybe you should let it ring out?”
“I’ll have to face him eventually.” I mumbled through sniffs.
“Yes, but now doesn’t have to be that time.”
With that I left the phone to ring and slid back into my seat. I felt the seat shuffle as Damion faced me.
“Who was it?”
“Who was what Damion?”
I responded still blindly looking out the window. Not taking anything in but the lights that zoomed passed me.
“Who was Craig with?”
Instantly water filled my eyes, whilst the images of Craig and Camila danced in my mind.
“It doesn’t matter.”
It was bad enough my husband had cheated on me, but to then announce it was with my own flesh and blood was a line I was not comfortable in admitting. Especially with someone who I barely knew. I wiped the remaining stray tears and shook my head, reiterating how irrelevant it was to know who Craig had slept with.
“Was it someone I know?”
I gave Damion a quizzical stare, confused with why he was so intrigued with who Craig had slept with.
“Why do you care? In fact, why are you even helping me? We don’t even know each other yet all of sudden you seem so interested in my life?”
All of sudden anger poured through my body, as I spoke to Damion. I knew he had done nothing wrong, but with tonight’s events, I could barely contain any of my emotions and knew that at times like this I was better off alone.
“Rachel, you’re right. I don’t know you and I don’t know why I am helping you, but…”
For a minute he paused, staring at me in the face as I frowned in annoyance. Was he eager to get some entertainment from my life, was he only sticking around so he could run back to his brother and share the gossip. I faced the window and remained silent as I heard him sigh.

The rest of the journey was filled with tense silence. Damion ensured he didn’t do anything that would cause me to lash out whilst I held my emotions together by a mere strand of thread. We came to a stop as his driver reached my home. The engine was cut off as everyone waited for me to exit the car, but I found myself frozen. Who was I lying too? This was no longer my home, this was just bricks put together in which I thought was a place I could return to every night. But here I sit, staring at the gold 67 that was placed just above the front windows – not moving at all.
“Rachel I can take you to a hotel?”
How was I now the other woman? Why did it feel as though I was intruding this building when I had lived there for nine years? Why did I have to leave my home and reside in a hotel because of the wrong doing of my husband? Besides, I couldn’t waste money on a hotel when I wasn’t sure when or where my next income would come from. I took a deep breath, my hands shaking as I pulled open the car door. The cold breeze from outside enveloped my body as I attempted to confidently get out the car and walk to where I thought was home.
“You don’t have to do this Rachel.”
I stopped in my tracks, my heart thumping hard against my chest. Was it worth it? Could I truly take anymore tonight? Craig would return, probably with Camila as they would worry where I had gotten to. Could I really endure seeing them concerned for me when they were the reason for my abrupt absence? In a flash, I re-entered the car slamming the door shut. Damion directed the driver where to go and the car took off.
I had no idea where Damion had planned to take me tonight, but I had little to no fight in me to protest. As sat in silence, I wondered what must have been running through Craig’s mind. Was he worrying about me? Or had he used my disappearing act to get more alone time with Camila? Either way, he had not attempted to call again and that was enough to keep my blood boiling. I was playing myself if I thought I could handle a confrontation tonight – I was rapidly running out of energy and the more the energy was sapped out the more I felt my grasp on my emotions were slipping. I closed my eyes, allowing the motion of the car rock me to sleep like an infant child in their mother’s arms.

© All Rights Reserved by Sarah E. Balogun

 

Toxic – Part 4

“What’s wrong baby, did someone hurt you?”
Why did men think all signs of emotion from women meant we were hurt? It was me who has caused pain, if only Josh knew, I’m sure his anger would dissipate. I shake my head, throwing tears left and right.
“Then why are you crying?”

I took a deep breath, in attempt to inhale the overflowing emotions that threatened to show itself.
“I just…I’m sorry.” Sorry for going out yesterday, sorry for making him scared and definitely sorry for being intimate with his brother – all the things I wanted to say but kept it trapped within the deepest depths within myself.
“Sasha…what happened last night? Where were you?”
God, here it comes. The fabricated truth, the story smeared with hazy lies. I fear to look him in the eyes, so I keep my gaze to our feet and take a deep breath in.

“I drank too much,” Lie. “Then I saw Mike,” Truth. “I’m not sure how, but he was worried…I think.” More lies. “So he took me home and then I woke up this morning embarrassed and left to go home.” It was more or less what had happened. The bare outlines of yesterdays events. I look at Josh through my wet eyelashes and see the concern in his facial expression.
“Why didn’t you go home with Clarissa?” It was then I remembered Clarissa had lied I was with her. I needed to explain why Clarissa would have lied without mentioning that I was aware I knew she tried to make an excuse for me.
“I think I wondered away from the group a little…”
“WHAT THE FUCK WAS YOU THINKING?!”
His outburst made me jump. I didn’t expect this from Josh. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was that I had said that had caused his reaction.
“Sasha you’re acting stupid! I knew Clarissa was bad influence – what if Mike wasn’t there to help you?”
My lip trembled as I couldn’t quite fathom a response. I had been more than stupid – in fact I had been out right brain dead. But I was prepared to take stupid over him knowing how the truth.
“Never, you’re never going out with her again!” Something bubbled in me, who was Josh to tell me who I could and couldn’t see.
“She’s my best friend!” I said through tears, from both sadness and a slight hint of anger.
“I don’t care Sasha! What if something happened to you?”
“Nothing –”
“Wait,” He interrupted me, looking at me like something didn’t add up. “When did you drink that you’re that out of your mind that you can’t even get yourself home?”

I shrugged, not having the brain power to think of a response. I wiped my tears with the back of my hand and internally told myself to control my emotions. Stop the tears that continued to be rebellious and show itself even though I fought so hard to keep them at bay. Stop trying to defend Clarissa, there was a time and place that I would be able to bring justice to Clarissa’s name and today was not the day. For now, I just needed to accept that I was wrong and then clear the grey areas at a later stage.

“Something’s not right Sasha, why didn’t Mike let me know you were with him?” Because we were fucking on the floor and then on his couch and then literally on every appliance until we reached his bedroom. My insides flare up with small voices reminding me how good it was with Mike. How he made me scream, how I grabbed him with passion leaving scratch marks on his body as he plunged deeper and deeper. God, the thoughts were so real, I could feel myself tensing up. My core tightening and slowly getting moist as I thought about our passion.
“I was scared you’d be upset, I was a mess.”
My voice came out huskier than necessary – thicker almost with Mike still on my tongue. Just as Josh was about to say more, his phone rang, pausing him in his tracks. He gave me another glare and reached for his phone.
“Mike…” My eyes dropped to the ground, what if our lies hadn’t matched? We didn’t thoroughly think this through. I looked back at Josh who had me under strict scrutiny whilst speaking to Mike. “Yeah she’s home safe…thanks for your help Mike…fuck I forgot about that. We’ll see you at mums.”

The phone was off. He gave me one last look and then left. But before he was out of ear reach he shouted, “It’s my grandfathers anniversary, we’re going to my parents. Get cleaned up.”
I rushed to the shower and took a long bath. I thought things were already difficult, but now we had to play happy family in front of his actual family was not ideal or even part of the plan. This was going to be one extended evening.

© All Rights Reserved by Sarah E. Balogun

Toxic – Part 3

Throughout my journey home I can’t help but question who I really am, who’ve I become? It was bead enough that I had thought about cheating on my husband on multiple occasions, but the fact that I had actually committed the act almost left me bewildered. Who was the woman that sat in the black cab, wearing a body con on a early Saturday morning? Because I sure as hell knew it couldn’t have been myself… I risked my marriage for what? A night that I probably wouldn’t forget for the rest of my life, it sounds exciting when I think about it, but was it truly worth it?

I should have thought about my actions in more depth. Even though I’ve felt like this for a year, I’m not sure if I had truly contemplated the aftermath if I had went ahead and actually slept with Mike. I’m not even sure why now, sitting silently in the back seat of the cab driving me to where I thought was home, but sounds weird to call home now is where I contemplate my actions. I knew what I was doing yesterday – I could hardly blame it on the alcohol, I barely drank any. And even if I drank a cup or two…or the whole bottle, I knew what I wanted from the start, the way Mike had touched me in the club and even more so when our lips touched was enough to remind me that I knew exactly what I was doing.

My conscious was beyond clear at that point, maybe if I was intoxicated it would be a better pill to swallow, rather than having the guilt slowly choke and suffocate me silently in the back of the cab. Before I had even knew what I was doing, I asked the cab driver to stop and requested to walk the rest of the way. I paid him the fare and got out of the vehicle, clutching myself tightly as the cold London air blew wildly on my bare legs and in my short outfit, more suitable for 7PM than 7AM. I ignored the quizzical stares that Londoners couldn’t help but do and hugged my body as I walked home. Getting some air should help me think.

I needed to plan how I was going to approach Josh. What I was going to say, in which way would I say it and whether he would believe me or not. The lie Mike had told me to stick to sounded ridiculous. Far too close to the truth for me to remain settled, but the more I thought about other lies that could replace Mike’s one, I realised why Mike had wanted me to stick to his own lie. The guilt from cheating and the hint of truth would make it more believable to Josh and with Mike as a sturdy alibi – Josh would know I was telling the truth.

I cannot believe I have come to this. Thinking of ways to lie to my husband to get away with infidelity. Where was the determined and strong woman who knew exactly what she was doing the night before? Because if she could show herself now, then maybe confronting my husband wouldn’t feel as hard as it did now. I wasn’t strong enough for this, even as I think back to Mike, back to the night we shared, I can’t help but shudder. Thoughts of us constantly replaying in my head as I ponder when the next time will come…hoping it would be sooner rather than later.

But what was done was done, right? The damage has been created and it was now sealed. I was a fragile glass yesterday that shattered under Mike’s touch – my only hope now was that the cracks that were more than evident didn’t reveal themselves to Josh.
I was coming up to the house now. 17…15…13, the more steps I took the more my heart crashed into my chest. I have never feared my husband – never needed a reason to, but today the fear that resided in me, was wrapped around me like another layer of skin. It wasn’t welcoming, but I was aware I gave it room yesterday to take place in my body.

Sucking in my breather, I open my white wooden gate, wishing I was returning with a clear mind. But after having spent the night with Mike, my mind was far from clear. Even now, when I remember how our lips touched in the club makes my libido dance in excitement. God even thoughts of him can spark me to life, even in such situations as the one I was in currently. Before I get to open the door, Josh has it opened. Rushing to me like a mother reunited with their abducted child. He hugs me tightly, too tight and very one sided. I think because I’m too stunned to move my arms left alone my body, I am left in a one-sided embrace. He stands back to watch me and then draws me inside the house.

Walking in silence, my breath comes out shorter, he faces me again and embraces me once more. This time with less worry but with more love. It was then I realised I was a horrible human being, weak and selfish. My husband stood in front of me, me in his arms, his breaths coming out in short rapid spurts, and I can tell he is happy to see me safe. And there I stand, arms planted to the sides of my body, scared that if I touch Josh, I’d ruin him like I have done so with this marriage. I feared tainting him but was too emotional to pull away. That was when I found myself in tears, a flood of emotions rushing out of my chest before I could stop it.

What had I done? Was it truly worth it? Could I just erase such mistakes from reality and act as though none of it occurred – was that a possibility? Because if it was I was ready to do anything to undo my mistake and go back to the woman I was only just a few hours ago.

 

© All Rights Reserved by Sarah E. Balogun

Toxic – Part 2

The sun had crept through the bedroom curtains and had teased my eyes awake. At first I was still in a dream-like state. Enjoying the warmth of the bed and the sun both massaging my body, pulling me back to sleep. Until my phone vibrated and with each vibration I was taken away from this bliss and was forced awake. At first I thought I was at home, laying next to my husband – but when I begun to remember the events of last night, I was mistaken.

It wasn’t my husband that had thrown me against the wall and had ripped my clothes off once we were out of the cab. Neither was it my husband who had me open and craving for more. Images of my husbands face flashed in my mind as I arched my back in ecstasy and when I had reached my climax for the third time. Yet, the more I thought about the night before, the more my husbands face morphed into someone else. Someone who has invaded my dreams, my thoughts – my life.

At first it feels too much like I’m still in a dream. Like soon enough I’m going to awake and  find my husband laying too close beside me. But after a few minutes, I don’t awake from what feels like a dream and when I dare to look at who is laying behind me, reality rushes back to me so hard my stomach begins to roll.

I’d cheated on my husband. It wasn’t as though I had forgotten, it was all in my face. The room I had woken up in was not mine. The dark curtains were key, yet I still chose to believe it was a dream. But now seeing Mike lay peacefully beside me, is enough to remind me of what I had done the night before. What was I to do? My phone vibrated for another time, stirring Mike awake.

It took him a while before he was awake enough to notice me. But once he did his arm slithered around my waist, pulling me closer to him. Even though I was aware of what I had done and guilt was starting to sing in my mind, my body tingled to his touch. Trembling in his embrace, my inner demons still having power to make me crave what I knew I shouldn’t, whilst my conscious was thinking about my husband at home. It must be him that was calling. Wondering where I have been throughout the night – if only he knew I was with someone he trusted, someone he thought would keep me safe.

Mike smelt me as I tried to decide what I was going to do next – stay and lay within this microcosm that seems too good to be true or run back to my husband and act as though none of this occurred.
“I love your scent.”
Without thinking, my body leaned back into his touch, so our bodies were as one. I felt his hard-on, making a small smile creep onto my lips. I guess no matter the logic that seemed so obvious to me, my inner demons decided what I did when it came to Mike.
“Thank you.” He had slowly begun grinding his hips into mine, using his left knee to separate my legs, allowing his access to become more easier.
“I’ve dreamt about this for a long time Sasha.” He was now between my legs. My thighs trembled as I knew what was to come soon. His hand danced on my skin and then made its way to where needed his touch the most, when my phone had begun vibrating again. My eyes shot open to where the vibration was coming from.
“Leave it.”

And I was sure that I would have left it, until it began vibrating again. I knew who was calling, and it was bad enough that I had cheated on him with his brother, but to make him worry was not something I intentionally wanted to do. Peeling myself away from Mike, I tried to find the phone that was still vibrating. Where was it? In my jacket pocket? Or did I take it out of my clutch bag? Before I had the chance to get off the bed, Mike had grabbed onto my hand, stopping me from moving.
“I need to get it Mike, we both know who it is.”
I made another attempt to get my phone, when Mike’s grip tightened.
“I know it’s him Sasha, but I don’t care. I just want you. Let’s enjoy this once more before we have to think about the consequences.”
It was stupid, I knew how dumb his suggestion was and how I know I had done more than enough damage, but I didn’t want to think. I just wanted to be in Mike’s arms again before I had to face reality. I had to choose, between the vibrating phone or being taken to new heights once more, before the guilt suffocated me and would slowly break me down and tear me from the insides out.

I let Mike crawl towards me, and take me again. Take me away from everything. It wasn’t as though my relationship…or marriage for that matter was in shambles. Josh and I were in a good place. It just was not as good as I wanted it to be. I wasn’t too sure what was missing, but when I laid my eyes of Mike at our wedding I hadn’t noticed it then. I was so drunk on love, I couldn’t see the way he held me too tight as we danced on the wedding night as a polite gesture from him to me. Neither did I see the other times he would linger around in my house for too long after guests had gone, a few months after me and Josh had moved in together. However, after three years I was no longer drunk on love – I was enjoying it with a more  sober mind. But that opened my eyes to Mike. To how he watched me, how when we hugged his hand lingered very close to my bum. And instead of these things to make me feel awkward or at least tell my husband, I enjoyed it. Enjoyed the thrill, the feeling of having another mans hands over my body. And not just any man, my husbands brother.

That was when I realised that my marriage was not enough. Josh was an amazing man, great at sex, was romantic and treated me perfectly. Yes, we argued but that was normal. But he no longer had the hunger in his eyes when he saw me walk through the door and neither I for him. Instead, I kept losing my breath when Mike and I were left alone together, when he tried to kiss me when my husband had gone to get us glasses to drink wine in. Or when we had been celebrating their parents anniversary, and Mike had managed to touch me inappropriately in a crowded area. I was sure that Josh had seen, but he didn’t mention anything and I heard nothing of it – so I tried to ignore it. But with the more passes Josh made on me, the more I felt for him.

So here I was, laying on my back. My mouth in an ‘o’ shape as Mike had now thrusted himself inside me for another time. Penetrating me in time of the vibration of my phone. He grabbed a handful of my breast as my back arched in pleasure as the strokes increased. With strength and speed, Mike continued to push me further and further to the edge. I knew it wasn’t long until I collapsed to his love, my eyes opened pleading with him to end it. He smiled as he continued to power through me, ignoring my plea and pushing himself to the brink before exploding. His whole body shaking in desire. Every muscle tensing as he tried to keep his body up above mine, whilst I crumbled below him. That was it, we had had our last fun in this world we had created for the night and now it was time to be true to ourselves.

I had a husband to confront and Mike had a brother he had just betrayed. After a few minutes of laying in silence, I sat up and went to hunt for my mobile. I didn’t put any clothes on as I had no need to hide something Mike had already seen more than enough in one night. I checked my jacket, yet couldn’t find anything. After looking for a few minutes, I found my clutch bag, which had my phone inside. I unlocked the phone and saw six missed calls from Josh and two from Clarissa. Then a few messages from both Clarissa and a few from a group conversation that I was in. I opened Josh’s message, which was frantic, he had called Clarissa and she claimed I was with her, but when failing to prove that I was there, he knew she was lying. He had started to get scared and also annoyed – the tone in his texts and voicemail had gotten a lot more serious. I needed to go home, before anything had gotten worse.

I turned back to Mike who was watching me.
“I have to go Mike.”
“I know, but I’ll see you again soon, just say you was with me when you speak to Mike. I found you a little too drunk and I took you here. I’ll come round later and explain it to him.”
“Are you crazy?”
“Trust me Sasha, say you are with me and I’ll handle everything.”
He stood up and came to me, pulling me close so that our naked bodies touched as he kissed me deeply. I was scared, but I wasn’t too sure what of. I don’t know if I was scared that Josh was going to wonder where I was, or whether this may be the last time I see Mike.
“God Sasha, if I had my way, you wouldn’t leave my side. But I know you have to go to Josh. Sasha…trust me, stick to what I said and we’ll be good.” I nodded nervously. He planted another kiss on my lips and helped me gather my things as I ran through the lie in my head. Well, it wasn’t even a lie, I did come home with Mike, but we did things I know Josh wouldn’t approve of. I just hoped my face didn’t have the events of yesterday night and this morning written all over it.

© All Rights Reserved by Sarah E. Balogun

Toxic – Part 1

Do you ever get that feeling when you know what is wrong, and you try so hard to stay away from that – but everything in life is pulling you closer to the wrong? No matter how many times I turn away from the temptation, or ignore the constant opportunities, the more I’ve faced with it, the more I feel myself growing weak. With each opportunity I pass, I feel myself opening up to the idea more and more.

I am a loyal woman, never been swayed by temptation (baring in mind I don’t get many temptations). But then he presented himself to me, and after all the pushing I did, it seemed as though I couldn’t push him no more. I knew in every part of my body that he was wrong, toxic for me. No one has ever made me question my marriage, no one has ever made me want more. Yet, here I was watching him, watch me from across the room whilst he sat with his friends.

It was a girls night out, I felt I needed the space – with my head clogged up with all this confusion, getting out and forgetting for one night didn’t seem like a bad plan. But here I was, thinking about him again. I didn’t know he’d be here. If I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t have come here, but he was and my girls were already ordering drinks. We located a table close to where he sat amongst his friends and drank.

It wasn’t as though I could drink, I needed a sober mind if I was going to be in the same room as him. I didn’t want to do anything that would jeopardise my marriage. My girls had started to take off their jackets and began dancing to the music of the club – me on the other hand sat still, battling with my inner demons. A quiet voice screaming at me to leave, but the demons caressing my muscles telling me to stay, no harm in watching and enticing yourself with something you’d never had and never will. My best friend Clarissa tugged on my shoulder, pulling me out of my deep thoughts and forced a glass of drink in my hand.

“Oi! Stop being so boring and drink!”

I hadn’t told Clarissa about Mike. There was nothing proud about my feelings about him to share, so I made sure I kept him hidden, like a dark secret you didn’t want anyone knowing about, yet was always in everyone’s face. I gave her a small smile and put the cup on the table.

“Sasha what are you doing! It is your night off for once, enjoy it – why are you sitting there like a prune?” She shouted over the music. I gave her another shrug and looked away from Mike who was watching our every move. She lifted the glass off of the table and forced them near my lips.
“You will drink Sasha! You are not going to be like this through the night – not on my watch.”

Before I could protest, she’d found an opening with my mouth and began pouring the drink, as I tried to lean away from her offer. She almost climbed on top of me to ensure the liquid went all the way down my throat. By now, not only was Mike, but his friends also had started to watch the show. The liquid burnt my throat as it intruded its way inside my body. As it slid it way to the bottom, small flames ignited on the inside of my body causing me to feel warmer than I had a few minutes ago. Clarissa was laughing now as my face grew tense with the burn that came with the drink. Her hand fell behind her and before I knew it, she was pressing another glass cup to my lips.

I shook my head furiously, trying to push her off of me, but failed as she had now taken seat on my laps and was begging me to drink.
“For me Sasha, please drink one more and then we can have some fun.”
I looked at her and then thought of Josh, my husband. He was never too fond of Clarissa, felt as though she was always pushing me to do things I never wanted to do. And he was never too sure what her sexuality was and for that fact, he never liked to leave me alone with her for too long. He always said he saw a look in her eyes that I never seemed to notice. But I could never vouch for that – me and Clarissa had been best friends for almost ten years, and within those years I had never thought she swung for the same team.

But as she pouted and came closer to me to make me drink, I saw a flash of who Josh had been seeing all those times ago. I opened my mouth to not only receive the drink but to drown the many voices in my head that were screaming far too many things at me. After the drink had disappeared, she wiped a drop that had escaped my lips and licked her finger. Smiling, she got off and walked to where our other friends were dancing.

Too embarrassed to look at Mike, I took my jacket off to busy my hands and stared directly at the table. He was still watching me – this time I’m sure he had a look of hunger in his eyes. It had only been a second that I looked at him, but I knew how this night was going to end. I had lost the will to fight against what my body craved for, what it thought would heal it. I took a deep breath and hoped he didn’t make his way to me, but I knew sooner or later there would be nothing stopping him, and he’d come and get what he truly wanted.

After a while, the girls returned from dancing and were all hyped. I had managed to drink a glass or two more and then watched them all chatter. Then one of Mike’s friend had approached us.
“Hello ladies.”
“OOOOooooOOOO, what can we do for you today?” Sasha said, giving him what I was sure was her most alluring face.
“Well me and my friends were getting a little bored and saw how much fun you were having and wanted to see if we could come and join you?”
“NO!” Was the voice that screamed in my head, yet my lips didn’t move in reality, instead, I watched as the girls eyed up the guys and invited them over. My heart thumped so hard in my chest, I wasn’t too sure if it was drink or the fear I had of knowing Mike was walking straight towards me – either way, I knew my heart could not slow down.

All the guys had paired themselves with a lady, others making a triplet as the women were more in numbers that the men. Mike sat close, too close to me. I tried to ignore the heat that radiated off of him as our skin brushed, but all it did was make me tingle – inside and out. Everyone chatted whilst me and Mike sat silently watching the party in front of us. Then before I was aware, Mike had grabbed my waist and pulled me closer to him. The minor touch did wonders too my body, I tried to block out what it made me feel, but who was I to fight something that seemed so inevitable.

“You smell beautiful tonight Sasha.” His face pressed against my neck, so close that as he spoke his lips gently slid across my skin. I bit my lip and prayed for something to intervene, even if it was a funny look from Clarissa, anything to make me know this was a bad idea. Yet, everyone was far too enticed with their own guy to notice me. I nodded my head in thanks and felt his breath on my neck. I tried not to lean into his touch, into his warmth, into what felt like home, but before I knew it, my eyes were closed and I had leaned my head on his to feel his hair caress my cheek. He chuckled and moved to my left ear.

“You’re not fighting me off no more?”
I looked at him, watched his face analyse mine and couldn’t help but touch him. His eyes closed as my fingers trailed little touches of flames onto his skin. He opened his eyes and stared at me waiting for an answer, waiting for me to allow him to have me. Somehow, I always thought it would be him that would take me as soon as he had the chance, but here he was giving me the power, asking me whether he had permission to have me. I tried to find ‘No’ in my mind, but all I could see was ‘Yes’ and there was still a little voice within me that was telling me not to do what I wanted to do so much. I took a deep breath and came close to his lips.
“I should be fighting you off, you’re no good for me.”
A wicked smile grew on his lips and he came closer to my lips that were parted ready for him to enter inside.
“I’m no good for you now?”
“No,” I said smiling. Who had I become? Entertaining the devils dance? Knowing what was right and what was wrong. Whoever told you you’re conscious drowns out when you’re tempted was lying. The closer our lips got together, the clearer I could hear my mind scream ‘no!’ – yet it was me now that had chosen it to shut up. I forced the rebellious screams deep inside a room within my head and locked the door, leaving just my desire and Mike alone. “You are no good, but I can’t fight you off anymore.”

As the words came out my mouth in a rush, his lips met mine in a hurry. His hunger seeped through his lips and onto my own. His arm that was wrapped around my waist, had now moved towards my bum, squeezing what he could, whilst my arms found their way around his neck. I heard screams and laughter, but I couldn’t seem to pull myself away from Mike. I slipped my hands between his legs, trying to get a feel of what I was sure to come later on tonight. He moved to my neck and growled at me.
“Don’t Sasha.”
Once I had found the bulge that I had dreamt about for nearly every night for a year, I couldn’t stop myself. Rubbing on it, trying to imagine the whole length, his hand stopped mine abruptly. He pulled away from me and looked at my face. My lips now plump from the kissing, my body now scorching hot from our intimacy, now sat vibrating waiting for him to make the next move. The voice that had been screaming no in my head, was now whispering no, whilst hoping he kissed me again. If my conscious wouldn’t fight against him, what chance did I have. My inner logic had now crumpled onto the floor clutching her legs shut whilst saying no, but wanting more.

He grabbed my hand and led me outside. It was only by a second that I had managed to grab my jacket and bag and left with Mike. No one was entirely sure where we were off too, I signalled the smoking area, but neither I or Mike smoked. But who was to question when they all probably witnessed their married friend kiss another man.

Once we were outside, Mike hauled a cab and gave them an address and before I knew it, we were inside sitting in silence, but our bodies screaming for so much more. I dared to look at Mike and see that look he had on his face that showed he was going to devour every inch of my body. His hand still clutched onto mine, with a pain that oozed with ecstasy. I knew he was hanging on by a thread and if the cab man hadn’t got us to where we needed to be, Mike would take me right here.

I looked at him slowly, and was taken back when our eyes met. There was no stopping us anymore. Even if I was starting to doubt my actions, there was no way Mike would let me go. I was about to cheat on my husband with his brother and no voice of reasoning was going to stop us.

© All Rights Reserved by Sarah E. Balogun

Rachel – Part 1

What was one meant to do when they caught the person they loved cheating on them with the person they thought was family? Was one meant to cry? Lash out? Or simply stand and digest the image before them? Well, when I found myself watching my husband and sister make passionate love together, I found myself contemplating which of the three options I was meant to do.

At first I was sure I was going to break down and cry. I mean, after seeing the husband you devoted nine years of your life to, make love to your sister who you’ve known for the whole of your life – and good sex may I add – of course breaking down seemed to be the right thing to do. But before the tears had found a way to the surface, anger managed to find its where there first.

I’d trusted them both and this was how they repaid me? By going behind my back and abusing my love for them both. The sight made me furious and the more angry i found myself, the faster I wanted to jump in that bed and rip them both apart. But, eventually I realised that the muscles in my body didn’t have the energy or will to move. Even though i was boiling with unmeasurable anger, my muscles didn’t lunge me forward as I thought they would. Instead, I stood rooted. In my spot, just watching how my husband and sister made love.

To be totally honest, the way he moved around her body, made me realise it wasn’t his first time of roaming her. He’d been there before and the way she reacted to his touch, arched her back to his foreseeable action was another reminder that they had performed this more than once.

They wasn’t aware of my presence. It was a party, a crowded one at that. He’d snuck off a while ago, telling me he had to make a business call. I mingled for an hour or so, but it was then I realised how long he had been gone. So like any cliched scenario, I went looking for him. I checked everywhere. The house where the party was hosted at was absolutely huge, it was almost too ridiculous to be true. The owners were swimming in cash and that was all because of the investments and deals they’d worked upon previously that turned out to be a success for them. My husband (who was now passionately kissing my sister) had worked for them and was invited to the party. Along with my sister, who currently works for them, was also invited. So I was the tag along in that sense.

Anyway, after looking for my husband for almost 15 minutes, I stumbled across a room down a hallway. It seemed occupied, and with the amount of guests in the house, I wasn’t surprised one of the many rooms would be vacant by some horny men and women. But my curiosity got over me, and I just wanted to be sure it was no-one I knew who was being a little naughty in a billionaires house. But to my surprise it was my husband and sister.

So what is my next move you’re wondering? It was simply shutting the door. I know it sounded ridiculous, but I guess it was too fictional for me to believe what I’d just seen was true. I knew I was going to catch somebody misbehaving, I just didn’t know it’d be at my own expense. I crept back down the stairs, mind blank and hands shaking. Was I angry? Was I sad? I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. In a couple of seconds my whole equilibrium had smashed and I wasn’t sure what to do or where to go.

I decided leaving would be best. Get a taxi home and consider what to do next in regards of my husband and us living together. But in my daze I managed to bump into Damion. One of the hosts to tonight’s party. He gave me a sweet smile and it was then things rushed back to me. Pieces to the puzzle that I couldn’t put together seemed to slam into their places. Emotions that I couldn’t quite understand, began overflowing in my mind. With a everything so clear in my mind, the images of Craig sleeping with Camila, flashed in my mind causing the tears I was so sure had disappeared, reappear right in front of Damion.

“Are you okay Rachel?” I was considering how to respond to his question, but with more tears threatening to pour even more, I decided causing a scene was not in my nature. So I gently pushed passed him and rushed for the exit, hoping no-one else noticed the mascara run down my face.

Out in the cold, I began walking towards the gates that lead onto the streets. In hope I’d find a taxi and make my way home. People were drunk and laughing in groups near the exit, and being seen was the last thing I wanted, so I rushed passed the laughing and flirting before anyone had noticed Craig’s wife leaving without him. I managed to get to the gate without any questions about why I was crying, when I felt a firm hand clasp my shoulder. Turning around, I was met by Damion’s stare. Concern veiled his eyes and I could sense his worry grow the more he analysed me.

“What’s wrong Rachel?” I attempted to shuffle out of his grip, but failed as he made sure I didn’t run off from him again. “What’s happened? Why do you keep trying to run from me?”

“Don’t worry Damion.”

“Where’s Craig? Shouldn’t he be helping you?” The sound of his name made me wince physically and emotionally. I wasn’t able to hide the pain that came along with his name. Damion noticed my reaction and looked at me deeply.

“Please let me go Damion.”

“What did he do Rachel?” With my lip trembling, I knew I didn’t have the strength to bring myself to say what Craig had done to me and the nine years of my life that I’d given to him. Instead, I found myself crying harder than I had previously. Damion drew me to his chest, allowing me to cry on him whilst he soothed me rubbing my back and stroking my hair.

I didn’t know Damion as well as I knew his brother Chase. I’d gone to a number of conventions and events with Craig hosted by both Damion and Chase, but it always seemed to be Chase I spoke with. Whilst Damion conversed with the big shots. So having him hold me and soothe me in my time of need was more than a surprise to me. He gave me the chance to collect my emotions before raising my head from his chest, which was now damp with my tears.

“I’m sorry Damion, I’ve ruined your suit.”

“Don’t be silly, it’s fine. What’s wrong Rachel?”

“I don’t want to talk about it Damion.”

“But –”

“Please Damion, I just want to go home.” If home was what I could even call it now.

“Fine, let me take you home.”

“You don’t have to do that.” It was bad enough I’d cried on this man’s chest who I barely knew, but for him to leave his own party to drive me home was more than enough.

“But I will.” And with that he grabbed my hand and took me to one of his cars. The driver had stepped out to let us both in the back and then closed the door for us. In silence, I stared out the window too confused to comprehend what I’d just gotten myself into, but almost 100% sure the next wave of tears wasn’t too far from the surface.

© All Rights Reserved by Sarah E. Balogun

The Caller

With the keys loose in my hands, I wonder whether unlocking the door and stepping inside is worth it or whether I should go with what my gut is saying and simply turn away. Recently, nothing had been drawing me back here, apart from the fact it’s a permanent place to sleep, but even that I’ve had to question whether it was really worth it? The flame that was once ignited and alight a few years back has most definitely died out. But yet we still smile, put a façade on, not only to others but also to ourselves. It doesn’t help the situation, and maybe in the back of my mind for some unbelievable reason, I feel as though it’s the easiest option; another action I’ve questioned myself on for several months now.

I sigh and put the key into the lock of the door. This had become a ritual; nearly every night after work, I’d find myself slumped and lethargic always questioning why I’m at this door every night. And every night I find myself unlocking the door and entering with a cheer in my voice that never was there previously, but all in an act that my wife and I had coaxed.

“Evening Martha!” I loosened my tie and placed my briefcase on the ground near the umbrella stand and hung my key onto the key holder, placed just beside the coat hangers. I shrugged my coat off of my shoulders whilst using my ears to predict where she was. There were no footsteps in the front room; neither was any sound coming from upstairs, so with that in mind I made my way into the kitchen. It was only until I started making my way towards the corridor, did the aroma of mince and meatballs make its way into my nostrils. I lingered just a little longer, remembering how hungry I was until I got to the kitchen.

There she stood, in a big T-shirt that I used to wear until she’d claimed it, with headphones on, swaying her hips to the music. It took a while for me to comprehend what I was witnessing. It had been months since I last saw my wife this way, and it felt odd. Maybe the love that should have been there from the start was making a way back into my system, and that feeling was beyond foreign. The way she stirred the mince with not only her hands but also her hips had me itching to run towards her and shake her asking her what went wrong between us. I took a step further into the kitchen, with my eyes fixed on her and unfastened my shirt button. Seeing my wife like this, in a light I was so sure had died, began to make the impossible possible in my mind. So what if things hadn’t been going right these last couple months isn’t that what was meant to occur in normal marriages? There wasn’t a manual to the perfect marriage or a strict guideline we had to follow in order to ensure our marriage was crystal clear, and thinking about it now, I don’t understand why I panicked so much when things took a turn for the worse. Maybe I should have tried. Maybe I shouldn’t have given up so quickly. Lost in thought, I hadn’t notice she’d turned around, stunned to see me there.

“You nearly scared me half to death!” She said, clutching her chest with one hand whilst the other removed the headphones from her head. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry about scaring you, I was just lost in thought.” She smiled and turned around resuming her cooking, with her music still audible from the headphones. I walked behind her, and gave her a hug. Something I hadn’t done in such a long while, show affection towards her. Even the act was strange to me, but soon enough that feeling dissipated and before I knew it, I’d put my head to her neck and drank her scent in. At first her body was stiff, also aware of the strange notion that I showed her, but sooner or later she stopped mixing the mince and meatballs and rested her head on mine. With no words shared between us, we both knew that whatever was occurring was something to cherish, whether it was something temporarily or going to last, we both knew that enjoying this current feeling was most important. Soon after what seemed like a long amount of time, she turned around and sighed, with her eyes closed.

“Richard, what happened?” She didn’t even need to complete her question because I knew instantly what she was addressing. With her hand on each of my cheeks, I take a deep breath and try to conjure up the best answer to explain our situation.

“I don’t know Martha.” I watched her bite her lip nervously, with her nostrils flaring and her eyelashes slowly turning moist. I hadn’t planned on her crying, I was never too sure what to do when I was faced with an emotional woman, but tonight everything seemed to just fall in place, almost like the gods has finally pitied us and allowed all the pieces to fall, so that our incomplete puzzle could get solved. I wrapped my arms around her waist and placed my forehead on hers.

“It’ll get better Martha, I don’t know why things have gone the way they have, but it’s not the end. I’m willing, I never thought I would be, but I am, and I really hope you are too.” Her eyes opened, allowing a couple of tears to escape. She nodded and sniffed back more tears that threatened to show.

“Will it Richard? Because I’ve been asking myself this question for months now and it never did.”

“I can’t promise you anything Martha, but I will try and that’s more than what I’ve been doing these last few months. If you’re willing to try, then so will I.” With the cards in her hands, she took a deep breath and nodded.

“I don’t mind. I’ve missed you…us.” With tears on her cheek and a sob close to her mouth, I embrace her fully, trying to prove my change. Because I have to be honest with myself, I hadn’t been the best husband, intentionally working late just to avoid Martha, lying about business trips just to get a few days to myself and that’s not even considering the other lies. But, in hope that’s all behind me, I focus on Martha. I pull away from her and wipe her stray tears.

“Don’t cry,” I look towards the food, “it smells good.” Then it hit me, she looks good, more than just the average good, for some months now she hadn’t enticed me, her appearance had merged with the annoying personality I’d seen and everything had blurred. But now, with things becoming slightly clearer, I could take in her beauty. Her chestnut hair fell passed her shoulders, a sharp contrast to her somewhat pale skin that I always enjoyed watch turn pink or red. Her freckles lightly decorating her nose and cheeks accompanied by a rosy colour, made me smile, it surprises me how long it’s taken me to truly observe and admire my wife. Her plump peach lips, swollen only just a little due to her biting it previously, had all those reasons I married her rush back at me full force. It was too late to right my former wrongs, but at least this was a start. With no hesitation I bent down, only being taller than her by a few inches, give it four of five and kissed her. Eyes closed and heart beating, I grabbed a handful of her hair enjoying the feel of her hair in my hands, the softness between my fingers was like no other. She, reacting in sync with me, grabs my shirt and pulls me closer towards her. Almost as though the proximity between us wasn’t enough, the time we’d wasted wasn’t something we could get back in reality. But between us, we know we had to make up for lost time. Now switching fluids, remembering her taste, I made sure it my personal duty to not let any go to waste. Everything I received was never going to be enough, her scent, her touch, her taste, it wouldn’t amount to the months of separation, but I was sure to make her forget about those years. It was the least I could do and it was written in my vows, so I had to abide by my words and fulfil my promises.

Even air was something I was prepared to sacrifice, just to get more time with her. She pulled away with the only noise being made between us was our attempt in catching our breaths.

“God I’ve missed you.” She said through breaths. Releasing my embrace, I kiss her once more remembering the sharp pain in my stomach.

“I’ve missed you more than you can imagine, and I could take you away here and now, but I want to be sure that when I do make up for loss time, I go for hours and right now I need to restore my energy.” With my eyes fixed on the spaghetti, letting her subliminally know that I’m hungry, she smiles and playfully hits me.

“Go get changed and I’ll make you a plate.” I give her another kiss, which takes longer than planned, but eventually stops as I pull away and dash upstairs, with a newfound hope in my mind. I get to the room and begin to change. Things would have to change, that I’m prepared to do. To be fair, I have to be prepared. This is my marriage on the line and with sense more apparent in my mind; nothing is worth putting my marriage at risk. I can’t actually define when things went wrong between Martha and I, her mother is a little intrusive and it doesn’t help that she involves her in every one of our issues, but that’s a hurdle I’m prepared to address and overcome when the time comes. Right now all that’s on my mind is how I’m about to devour my meal and then my wife.

Buzz Buzz

I reach for my phone in my suit jacket and unlock it, seeing that I have a missed call and a message. I open the message and there, Jennifer’s name pops up. I had a few lies during the months Martha and I were on a break, some worse than others. Jennifer being one of the ones I planned to bury deep in the ground with me. I wasn’t planning to read the message, but as soon as I was about to disregard it another came through, more alerting than the previous one.

Jennifer:

First message: ‘Baby I miss you and I can’t stop thinking about you.’

Second message: ‘I’m not sure with what’s been going on between us recently, but I hope tonight we could rekindle some of our love? Get back at me soon.’

Jennifer was one of my employees whom I worked with on a frequent basis. She just seemed to perfectly fit into my schedule. If she wasn’t working with me constantly, she was asking whether she needed my assistance and as you could imagine I grew very fond of her. Not only was she there, she was something I needed at that time, she enticed me in every way…or so I thought. Day by day her shirt became tighter and her trousers became skirts, which eventually became shorter. The first night I fully noticed her and acted upon it, I was physically drained with the problems at home with Martha, so I decided to stay at work late that night. I had no work to do, but the comfort of my office was better than home. I wasn’t aware that Jennifer had also stayed late, it was only until a knock was at my door and her head poked through the tiny gap between the door and the wall, was when I knew she was still there.

“You alright Richard you seem a little stressed?” I could barely merit a response, I thought I was alone and to find out I wasn’t was a shock. But I told her I was fine, of course that wasn’t enough for her, so she invited herself in my office and decided I talk about my issue. It was the first time I spoke to anyone about Martha, I’m usually the type to keep my own issues to myself, but that night, I guess I was stressed beyond reasoning. Eventually, she offered a back massage.

“Trust me Richard, if I wasn’t working here, I’d earn a good living off being a masseuse.” I chuckled and allowed her to massage me. At first her hands remained on my shoulders, then my chest and slowly my thighs. I couldn’t find it in myself to stop her, it was the first time in a while my penis had awakened, by someone other than porn. One thing led to another and that night I buried myself deep with Jennifer. After that night, I continued to bury myself deep within Jennifer, it was a place of solace and my escapism, I didn’t have to think about work, home or my failing marriage, instead I could just think about how her walls convulsed around me and had me shivering. I knew the risks, not only about my marriage but having frequent sex with a employee was dangerous, but Jennifer seemed to be understanding to those boundaries, so I continued. Before I knew it, I needed Jennifer more and more; I’d call her to meet me in various locations, just to escape again. To think about her had me involuntarily smiling; she was something to remember, but never something to keep. It was only recently, the place I used to go to for solitude began to lose it’s meaning. I could no longer escape in the clasp of Jennifer’s love; instead it was another place of strangulation. She began demanding, requesting for things she had no need in worrying about. Eventually, I grew distant and resumed my position of being stressed and tense, until tonight. Things are starting to work and I’d be damned if a pothole in the road is going to stop me from getting to my destination.

I took my phone and replied back to her text,

‘I think we need to talk, not tonight but later on in the week.’

It didn’t take her long to reply, she was always so responsive.

‘What’s this about Richard? You’re giving me this bullshit line that people throw around when things are coming to an end…’

This wasn’t something I could do over text, it wasn’t even something I wanted to do now, but with the way Jennifer was reacting, had me wondering how bad this could get if I didn’t defuse the situation asap. I went by the staircase and called out to Martha.

“Yeah?”

“I’ll be a few minutes, I have a business call, I won’t be too long, keep my plate warm for me.”

“Sure!” With that I walked back into the bedroom, closing the door behind me and called Jennifer.

“Well Richard?”

“Jennifer relax,” I whispered, “I just wanted to speak with you, I’d prefer to do this on a more personal level, but I could sense you getting agitated via text.”

“Fuck this business like shit Richard, what are you saying?” I could tell this conversation wasn’t going to go anywhere, no matter what direction I tried to attack this matter, the outcome proved to be the same.

“I think, with the way things are going between us-”

“And how’s that Richard, explain that to me? Because in my eyes, you were the one who changed, everything was great…that’s what I thought. And then one day you just lost your spark, so you tell me how things are going, because I was beyond eager to hear your side.”

With a sigh, I continued. “I think we should stick to a platonic relationship.”

“Bullshit Richard! What changed? You wasn’t talking about platonic when we were fucking, you weren’t complaining when I couldn’t speak because I was filled with your-”

“Okay! I understand Jennifer. Things have changed, but they changed even before things got better.”

“What are you referring too when you say ‘things got better’? What with you and Martha huh?” Damn, I didn’t want to bring Martha into this, because I knew that’d just anger her more. I lay on the bed and rolled my eyes, trying to find the words to explain what was inevitably happen between Jennifer and I but I just kept quiet, words failing me.

“So you have nothing to say huh? Well I have loads to say. How dare you do this to me? Do you understand how much I gave you and how much I did for you to use me and throw me aside like a rag doll? I will not be treated like this Richard, I won’t be kept in the dark like a damn secret, I will not! I am worth more than that and you treated me as though I was worth more than that, so I know you love and if it’s fucking Martha that’s got your mind clustered, then we can just clear that by simply telling her about us.”

“What?”

“You heard me, why not let her know about us, because what we have is far more valuable than that shamble of a marriage you were close in ending last month.” I told her far too much during our time together, which is evident now, but making her more angry is not going to help anything. I take a deep breath and try from another angle.

“Okay baby, maybe I was acting irrational, maybe this is just a phase with me and Martha and I don’t want you to feel used, so why not I take you out this Friday after work and we can work on us.”

“No Richard, let her know. It’s about time she knew, what’s the point in hiding anymore – tell Martha you’re done or I will.”

“Jennifer you will not get involved in my marriage, you’ve said enough tonight. Not only have you crossed a line tonight, but you continue to persist with this attitude that you must have assumed I’d take? I don’t, so while I spend tonight with my wife, I want you to relax and tomorrow when I see you at work I want you to speak nothing of this until we’re alone, where I can find a solution.” With that I dropped the phone and sighed in exasperation. I’d let that line of lover and boss get far too clouded and for that reason I had to cut our relationship off. Even though that wasn’t the main reason as to why I wanted to terminate our relationship, it was reason enough for me to tell her, she was beginning to turn into a nuisance, something that she didn’t normally do. However, I’m glad she’s an issue for another day and for now I can focus on the future between my wife and me.

© All Rights Reserved by Sarah E. Balogun

Past Love (1st Extract)

It was getting late and I didn’t want to leave, but I knew I had to. Even though he didn’t ask me to, I knew my stay was coming to an end and as much as I was enjoying his company, I wasn’t going to overstay my welcome. We laughed and spoke all evening, even now as he repeats a story from our school memories, I find myself weary of the time. It must have began to show on my face, because he stopped speaking and raised his eyebrow. A thing he did when he knew I was zoning out.

“I’m sorry Julian, it’s just I realised it was getting late and I’ve got to be going.”
“You’ve got to go already?”
I looked down at my phone which lay on a small table just in front of the couch and saw the actual time: 22:36. Yeah, it was definitely about time I left. “I’m afraid so, you know if I could stay, I would.”
I began standing up from the couch, stretching my legs whilst grabbing my phone, checking if I had all my belongings, when Julian stood up with me.
“Are you sure you have to go Deanne? I can drop you home if it gets too late for you to be walking the streets?”
“I’m sure you would, but it’s best if I leave now.” He started pouting, making me giggle. “Hey! There’s always next week.”
“Yeah I know Dee, but I just wish you could stay a while longer.”

Julian and I had only recently rekindled our friendship of five years after bumping into each other at an event. We exchanged numbers and it was almost as though the six years of not seeing each other hadn’t even occurred. Nothing had changed between us apart from the fact we grew up and were adults, but we were exactly the same as we were back when we went to school together. Of course we’d grown mentally but also physically. Julian was never unattractive back in school. He was one of those boys who were spoken about in whispers, because he seemed so focused on his education, all thoughts of having a girlfriend was constantly thrown out of the window. Especially when he was asked to prom and he confessed he wasn’t attending; it was only then when everyone knew he wasn’t the average teenage boy and images of being his girlfriend was shattered. But that didn’t stop females from talking about the ‘what if’s’. It was only when we were paired for an assignment was when our friendship grew and built into a beautiful picture.
For years we were close, but with our career paths being so different it was no surprise when we lost communication. So, when I saw him suited and booted, I was more than shocked. Ever since that moment, we’ve been catching up as much as possible. The time we spent was never enough, but we always knew there was another day.

“I wish I could too, but don’t worry I’ll be back.”
I gave him a smile and then went to go and get my coat, trying to be discreetly quick so I didn’t delay anymore time than I had already done. He followed me to where my coat was hung and sighed.
“Dee can’t you just stay for another hour, I promise you I’ll drop you home?”
I gave him a hug, resting my head on his well-built chest and gave him a light squeeze.
“I promise I’ll see you soon, just text me okay?”
He wrapped his arms around me, and grumbled making me laugh again. His arms weren’t big, but for someone of my frame, I was drowned in his embrace. Knowing time was of the essence, I began loosening my grip signalling to leave, but instead Julian tightened his. I lifted my head to look up at him; surprised at the look he was giving me. His hazel eyes were dark and his body grew rigid in an instant. My breath got caught in my throat under his gaze. If what I thought was going to happen, actually happened, leaving was something I had to do and fast.
“I really don’t want you to go…”
His voice was deep and husky, full of desire and hunger. This only became apparent to me when his hands began moving towards my hips and lower back. Were there signs that I had missed previously? Or did I see them but ignore them? Because I was finding it hard understanding how we went from two friends rekindling their friendship over a meal, to me trapped in his embrace and not even finding the voice of reason in my head to tell him to stop. Even now as I stand looking into his eyes, I find myself tempted to see how deep his desire ran for me. There were enough reasons for me to reject his affection, and walk out on him. Yet, none ever significant enough for me to do so, and that’s why I found myself slowly unwinding under his gaze, each latch unlocking itself allowing snippets of desire to seep through my body.
My heartbeat had intensified, every beat stronger than the previous one, making me conscious that he could feel it as we were chest to chest. A wave of tingling heat ran through my body once, but once was enough. Every sense awoke with a roar, all sending the same request to my mind.

“Julian-”
He held my chin in his hand, using his thumb to gently stroke my skin that had grown sensitive, all the while lifting my head to his, closing the gap between the both of us. “Don’t go.”
His eyes burned through me, shutting down every command of sense, leaving me vulnerable and open to his needs. Another wave ran through my body, but this time only waking up the one thing I feared. My core awoke aroused, aching for some attention and affection, causing my whole body to clench and tighten. He slowly came close to me, bringing our bodies together, allowing me to fully appreciate his body and build and also the hard bulge that had appeared in his trousers. In a flash, my body had gone into flight mode. My legs began moving involuntarily towards the door, in a last poor attempt to take myself out of the situation I’d found myself in.
“Julian, I can’t.”
But nothing seemed to work, in fact the more I tried to protest against it, the more he clung onto me, allowing myself to understand what I’d done to his body. I managed to make my way to the door, in hope I could gather my thoughts and leave before things got further than I could handle. I used my left hand to feel for the doorknob and slightly turned it, with my face still in his hands, his breath so close to me at this point. The door began opening, when a slight force pushed it back, closing it. It was then I knew all attempts of leaving were clearly non-existent. The importance of time had slipped my mind and I seemed to have lost myself in the moment with Julian. Something I’m sure I’d regret eventually, but for now, my body was eager for his touch, hungry for someone to take some of the pressure off, and the only candidate worthy of doing so was Julian.
“Just once Deanne.”
I bit my lip and looked back at him. Noticing how his hunger had grown into a carnal desire. Nobody had looked at me like that for so long, or had even begged for my presence that I found myself nodding at his request. His chest rose and fell with steadily increasing speed, as he got closer to my lips. I closed my eyes, waiting…waiting for something to give me reason towards my irrational actions. And it was only when his lips touched mine, was when everything went clear. My body had stopped screaming demands and my mind had no longer wondered about my actions, in that moment I just wanted more. A little bit more. I wanted to taste his lips and find out what more they could do to me. The kiss started off as small pecks, but grew as our passion began to overflow. I hadn’t noticed when my back was against the door, but being stuck between the door and his body, gave me little to no room to move around freely and whenever I did move, I seemed to brush passed his bulge. Every slight shift I made caused a quiet groan to escape his lips.  But it still wasn’t enough. I needed more. Needed to know what it was about Julian that made me behave in a way that was foreign to me. So I went on my toes to receive his kiss in full, but by doing so meant his bulge was pressed hard between my legs, teasing my centre.

If I had any sort of thought about leaving, it had definitely disappeared, as he began moving back and forth between my legs. A whimper fell off my lips with each thrust, causing him to deepen each movement. He raised his left hand into my hair and softly tugged at it, revealing my bare neck, whilst his right hand held my behind. He used his teeth to pull on my bottom lip tenderly, then once he was far enough, he let go and moved to my neck, nibbling, licking and kissing his way through each of my barriers and right to my core.
“God, Dee you’re so sweet.”
He continued kissing my neck, nibbling just a little harder than before, showing me his patience was beginning to wear thin. His grasp on my behind had tightened, almost lifting me off of my feet, giving him a better feel. My hands struggled to stay in one place. One moment they were flat against his back and the next they were under his shirt. His lips sent sparks of ecstasy through my skin, causing me to push my body against his own, again teasing him and myself. He groaned, pulling himself away from me and looked down at me, with eyes dark craving eyes. I looked back at him, not completely sure how to process what we were doing. I had a home to get to and I’m sure time was far later than what it was when I last checked, but it didn’t seem as though I’d be able to get home anytime soon. A little voice spoke quietly enough for me to hear, letting me know problems will only get worse if I go through with this escapade with Julian. But how much more worse could things get? I’d already opened up to him, given him the opportunity to explore my emotions, my body and my mouth; what was the point of shying away now?

“Dee I won’t stop if I start…” He spoke tightly, evident that his control was close to snapping and needed my approval before he could take it as far as he pleased. This was the time. If I wanted to leave (which I should), this would be the perfect time to push him away, apologise for leading him this far and go home. But I stood still, knowing I wasn’t going to leave. I was too turned on to rationalise my thoughts.
“Then don’t stop.”
It was like those words flicked a switch in his mind. The thin barrier that I had held up against him, stopping him from pursuing his feelings broke effortlessly. In a somewhat growl, he dropped his hand from my hair to my behind. Using both hands, he lifted me up, like I weighed nothing and sat me firmly on his hips. In silence, he walked me towards what I assumed was his bedroom and kicked open the door, breathing heavily. Once we got inside of his room, he used his feet to close the door and then laid me on his bed, crawling over me, getting a full view of my face.
“You ready Dee?”

*************************

I awoke when I felt arms wrap around my naked body. The sheets beneath me were silk and smooth, which was my first alarm that I wasn’t in my own bed. Then images flooded back into my mind and the voice that was so quiet the night before was screaming loudly this morning. I messed up, so badly. It wasn’t Marcus’ hands that were draped around me, it was Julian’s. We’d had sex multiple times, until I couldn’t take no more. He kept whispering sweet things in my ear, letting me know that we should be together, not Marcus and I. How he would do everything in his power to prove to me that I should stay with him and at the time it all made sense. Marcus and I hadn’t been on good terms, especially when I realised he had cheated on me with Bernice, a female he met one night and had accidentally ended up in her bed. But I was as bad as he was.
And even though I knew I shouldn’t be kissing Julian, I found myself screaming his name in his pillow for a third time when he’d made me reach my climax. Even as I blissfully fell back to earth, he was there waiting for me. Ready to take me away once again, until it was something I couldn’t live without. Just before I’d slept, my head laid lazily on his sweaty chest, his fingers ran through my hair that had gotten clammy during our intimacy and our bodies lay closely to each other.

“Don’t go back to him Dee, I need you. I’ve needed you for a while, but I just couldn’t find where you were. I never wanted to lose contact with you, my life just got busy and before I was aware, your number wasn’t in my phone.”
I nodded, too tired to speak but not tired enough to fall asleep yet.
“I always wanted you, I was just waiting for the right time, but there never was one and that’s because I never made one available. Then I saw you and knew everything might actually fall back into place, but you were with Marcus. And I knew he was treating you badly because of the way he barely paid attention to you that night. It was then I knew my chance hadn’t completely gone, because I was going to do everything in my power to take you from him and treat you how you are meant to be treated.”
I didn’t respond, but I heard everything he’d said. That night Marcus was more occupied with friends and females than me and I’d just smiled pushing my hurt far from my mind. Then I saw Julian and everything changed. Marcus had suddenly placed his arm over my waist, stopping me from embracing Julian. He made himself known and then was quick to pull me from Julian. But when he’d gone toilet was when Julian had caught me and we’d managed to speak and exchange numbers.
Marcus caught us mid-way through a discussion and wasn’t happy, but I didn’t care, Julian was a friend of mine, a close friend…well I wasn’t sure what he was now, but then he was a friend not a threat.

“Jay…” The words slipped out of my mouth but nothing else followed through, my body had grown tired and I was through with the mental battle that was already occurring within myself. My eyes closed and my chest softly rose and fell, succumbing to the sleep that was about to take over.
“Promise me one thing Dee?” I nodded and he continued, “Don’t go back to him.” And then the sleep took me.
But now I was wide-awake and I wasn’t sure what I was doing with myself. Would I stay here with Julian or return back to Marcus, who most probably burned my phone with calls and messages. I tried to look around the room for my phone with my eyes, so I didn’t wake up Julian, but that didn’t work. He pulled me close to him, so close that I felt his breath blow the little hairs on the back of my neck. His lips soon replaced his breath; kissing my neck, causing me to involuntarily smile.

“Morning Dee.”
“Jay…”
“Mm?”
“I think I need to go.” He tightened his hold on me and shook his head, not wanting me to leave.
“Don’t Dee.”
“I have to, I need to sort myself out. I need things to fix and solve – you know I have to.”
He sighed and loosened his hold on my body. “Just because I know, doesn’t mean I want you to.”
I sat up, using the sheets to cover my body whilst I looked for my clothes that were scattered around his bedroom floor. This was not me, I didn’t do flings or one night stands. But Julian made sure if things went the way he wanted them to be, it wouldn’t be for one night, this was what was in store for me for the rest of my life. There was far too much to think about, would I leave a relationship of three years over a mistake and run to the next guy who seemed to make everything feel good in that moment, or would I try and work through things with Marcus? I most definitely needed to go.
“I’ll call you when things get clearer.”
I saw my underwear scrunched on the ground and took the opportunity to grab it, whilst getting the rest of my other clothes on. He sat up as I dressed and watched me pick up my clothes and belongings, almost like I was a prostitute gathering their items after a client had finished their hour with them.
“You know I don’t want you to leave Deanne?”
“I know Julian,” I said exasperated, this was too much for me to handle and it probably wasn’t even 8AM yet. “I don’t even know what I’m doing. My body just wants to get back in bed with you, my heart is confused and my head is telling me to go and sort everything out before I act. I don’t know what to do anymore Julian, but I do know I can’t do what I did last night again.”

He threw the sheets off of him and got up, walking towards me. I held my hand out to stop him from getting any closer, but that didn’t stop him. Instead he grabbed my arm and pulled me towards his naked body.
“I’m sorry for putting you through this situation Dee, and I understand it isn’t easy. So I will let you go, I can’t stop you from going back home to him, but I just want you to remember what’s here waiting for you.”
He moved my hand down towards his shaft, which was hard and pulsating already. My eyes followed my arm and watched as it came alive and twitched in my grip. My hand clasped his shaft tightly, causing him to inhale a sharp breath. Here was my body working  before my mind had time to tell it to stop and be sensible. I looked back up at him and watched his face flex in pleasure, eyes shut and throat gulping large balls of desire. I released him and stepped back, scared of what more he could make me do without my knowledge. His eyes opened and back was the stare filled with hunger and greed.

“Julian stop doing that.”
“Doing what?” He was about to take a step close to me, and as he did I simultaneously I took a step back.
“Julian you aren’t being fair, you aren’t giving me a chance to think.”
“I don’t want you to think.” He stepped forward, causing me to step back.
“But I need to think. If you really care about me like you’ve said, then you’ll respect that and let me leave.” He stopped moving and sighed. Rock hard and tense, he looked at me, then himself and then took a few steps back, giving me space to breath.
“Fine.”
He began helping me gather my clothes, whilst putting his own on. Once we were more composed, I wore my coat and opened the door, ready to leave. I turned around one last time and watched Julian watch me, still hard, still tense but with a slight look of worry. I gave him a small smile and then left, ready to face Marcus and his anger.

© All Rights Reserved by Sarah E. Balogun